This week debuts our new writers series, ‘Assignment G.L.O.C.’ in which you, the ladies of comedy, submit your best article, short story, poem, comic, etc. on a common theme or word. This week’s theme is “Scams.”

The Scammer
By Shmikah Christina Martinez

I spent an entire winter semester in this look. Not because of a casting that led to my dream of playing ‘young mom’ to children that looked nothing like me (that would come much later). No, I was a college credit card salesman.

It all started with lunch in the student center, where one of the kiosks was giving away tickets for free lunch. Always a sucker for deals and carnival tickets, I got in line. After signing up for a credit card, you got a ticket worth a free slice and drink. That was all I had to do for oozy cheesy goodness and a cold root beer? Sign me up 3 times! People did try to sign up multiple times, but there was a machine that checked social security numbers to ensure robots weren’t getting free pizza. The guy giving out the tickets looked like a cast member of Laguna Beach and had the kind of happiness about him that screamed: “I get paid just for giving people free stuff!” I decided it was a perfect job for me.

The Credit Card Pushers Marketing Company who hired me didn’t require extensive training. They made deals with subways and pizza places in college towns and we traveled school to school wearing khakis and giving away lunch while “helping students establish a healthy line of credit.” I always reminded kids they could throw the credit card away when it came in the mail. That was part of my training.

Why the company required khaki pants, I’m not sure. I guess something about that soft light brown just says: “I wont hurt you or help ruin your credit.” I added a collared shirt because I felt this job made me a business lady (there was a lot of paper). It’s an outfit I’d only wear now to play a character named Beatrice, but back then it was my uniform for signing up over a thousand kids for their first credit cards. Always assuming they would just throw the card away when it came, like I had done, I never felt guilty about the job. I was just like Oprah! You get a sub! And you get a sub! And you get a sub!

Years later I bumped into a few people who never threw their credit cards away. Instead, they maxed them out on spring break vacations and cheap beer. I realized that the first years out of your parent’s home are probably not the best ones to get your first credit cards. Although the Scammy McScamsters Marketing Company made it seem like we were giving people a head start on mortgage approvals, I was really helping people lower their scores by way of Hollister store shopping sprees. It was like handing kids big bags of candy, trusting them to only eat a couple pieces, while an older and smarter kid watched and collected fees for every wrapper.

If someone on campus is coming up to you in this outfit there’s a high chance they’re going to try and sell you something. Or they’re a college republican. Be careful.

Shamikah Christina Martinez is a director, producer, and comedienne in New York City. She has studied improv and sketch with the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre since 2008. Shamikah produces content for clients such as Warner Music Group and Google by day. By night she makes sketch videos loved by 14-year old girls all over the world. You can also see her performing improv and in sketch videos with all ladies group, Candy Slice Comedy or co-hosting the fashion, funnies, and feelings based web series EmotiStyle.

If you would like to be added to the list for Assignment G.L.O.C., please email a few writing clips to sayhello[at]thegloc.net.