What are our makeup names trying to say to us and about us? G.L.O.C. decided to investigate the names our beauty products are given, and we were surprised to find that the people in charge really get us! Among the names we found especially appealed to our female-sensibilities were a cream-colored nail polish called “Load”, a lipstick called “Porn Star” and everyone’s favorite, “Orgasm” blush. These makeup execs are good!
Not one to stand by while a chance to capitalize on (and demean) women passes us by, we jumped at the chance to create our own line of delightfully named products for your archetyped faces.
Introducing: Lady Makeup: Makeup for Females.
DESPERATE HOUSEWIFE COLLECTION
We are only too happy to help keep the 60′s alive and kicking with this gorgeous collection. Each product contains trace amounts of nicotine to calm your frazzled mom-nerves–which is extremely generous of us considering you have the easiest job in history–and the cases can be customized to match your cookware! Modeled by Kara Klenk.
But we’re no dummies…we know not all women are the marrying type. If you’re not interested in waiting on a man, then you’re probably not into men at all. We’ve seen you writing anti-man slam poetry and riding around on your hog, don’t front! Which is exactly why we created this beautiful collection. Each case contains a hidden switchblade, brass knuckles or pepper spray for added security. Modeled by Becky Yamamoto.
AGGRESSIVELY ROMANTIC COLLECTION
This stunning collection is for you ladies who will accept nothing less than Richard-Gere-climbing-up-your-fire-escape-to-sweep-you-off-your-feet love. Why waste your time on anything less when TRUE ROMANCE is waiting just around the corner? Rippling muscles, trumpet fanfare and the heavens parting will announce the arrival of your white knight. Each purchase comes with the number of a single man with a great head of hair, an MBA, a good relationship with his mother, perfect teeth, nice friends, a huge dick, a desire to cook, clean and built-in fathering skills!* Modeled by Glennis McCarthy.
*Make and model may vary.
DADDY DIDN’T LOVE ME COLLECTION
You’re having a hard timing masking your insecurities with all those tears, so why not mascara those insecurities away with this fun collection! Our products cling to your features like you cling to a man. Needy? Need these products! Each product comes with a lifetime supply of tissues. You’re gonna need it, sad sack! Modeled by Alison Leiby.
FILTHY FEMME COLLECTION
Are you that special breed of woman who is less woman and more… a complete joke? Have we got the collection for you! If you insist on not conforming to the norms society dictates, we think you should at least try and pretty up that face so we have something nice to look at. Wear our gorgeous lipstick while you talk about your period (gross!) and abortions (why!?) with your friends. We’ll be honest, we really don’t GET you, but we’ll take your money. Each purchase comes with a pair of scissors you can use to cut holes in your clothing for GOD KNOWS WHAT REASON. Modeled by our photographer Anya Garrett.
ON ALL FOURS COLLECTION
But let’s be honest, deep down, no matter what we put out there, aren’t we all just dirty little sluts? Of course we are! Which is why we created a collection that speaks to all of us as women. Each purchase comes with a free STD test because we know you’re not practicing safe sex! Modeled by Katy Frame and Marie Cecile Anderson aka Reformed Whores.
Now do us a favor, ladies. Go into your makeup bags and take a look at the names of your products and leave them in the comments. It might surprise you to find out what you’re wearing!