We all remember Charlie and Ray’s dick move from the last episode, right? Good. So we’re caught up. What follows is straight out of Harriet the Spy, as Charlie and Marnie sit Hannah down and force her to read her journal entries out loud. Charlie expresses his anger by turning over furniture. That he made himself.
I love that they didn’t make this a “Will they or won’t they reconcile?” storyline about the breach in Hannah and Marnie’s friendship: Instead the action underscores the absurdity of the situation at every turn. Exhibit A: Despite the chaos Hannah can’t see past her own ego and actually asks what Marnie thinks of her journal, (you know “as a piece of fiction.”)
Hannah tells Jessa all about the creep-tastic situation with her boss. Jessa seems to think it’s some kind of sexy role play, and that Hannah should just go with it “for the story.”
Marnie goes to see Ray, who’s dazzling customers at Café Grumpy with his rapier wit. She just needs Charlie’s address, which he gives her, wrapped in a thick coating of ass metaphors. At Charlie’s apartment Marnie is shocked to see that he actually has talent – as a carpenter! (Maybe his band would be better off as a soft pop duo?)
Jessa is busy dressing up for a date with an old flame in front of Jeff, the dad she babysits for. Nothing weird about that, right? When the mom, Katherine, walks in the sex vibe is palpable (AGAIN), but she tries super-hard not to notice.
Charlie grows a spine and breaks up with Marnie, which prompts a flashback in which we get to see how they met! It’s completely adorable. (Elijah’s there, trying to seem straight!) The entire history of Marnie and Charlie’s relationship now makes sense.
Back in the present, Hannah turns the tables on her boss, Rich, by boldly communicating a desire to rock him like a hurricane. He balks, and when Hannah threatens to sue him for sexual harassment, Rich smugly points out, “There’s no suing app on your iPhone.” Touché.
Back at This Old Relationship, Marnie full-on begs Charlie not to break up with her. She offers him blowjobs. He considers it.
Jessa, now dressed as a sexy white geisha, is enthusiastically seducing her old boyfriend. She tries a range of tactics, including insulting his new girlfriend (“She’s old, like a mum!”) and they end up mounting each other in Jessa and Shoshanna’s apartment. WHILE SHOSHANNA IS IN THE ROOM. Points to Jessa for being “un-smotable” and to Shoshanna for enjoying the spectacle.
Hannah drops by Adam’s place, confident that they’re really “together” now as boyfriend and girlfriend. He disagrees and points out that she was never that happy with him anyway. (Interesting that the boys make WAY more sense than the girls in this ep when it comes to relationships, because they take things at face value.) Hannah excuses herself to have a contemplative moment on the toilet.
In his urban treehouse, Charlie has moved past furniture-talk to awkward foreplay with Marnie. He’s tossing out one condition after another, clearly uncomfortable with resuming their relationship. It’s depressing because you know he’s not going to get what he wants (respect: “Act like my life is real!”), even though he’s getting what he thinks he should want, which is a blowjob. When Marnie accidentally whacks her head on his custom woodwork (I wish that was a penis joke), Charlie comforts her, to which she responds, “I think we should break up.” UGH. Charlie should just cut his losses; is Man Caves hiring?
Hannah emerges from Adam’s bathroom to find him masturbating: “You wanna stay ‘til I finish? You know, for the story?” At first she’s confused, then grossed out. Finally she channels her inner dominatrix – who knew? Go Hannah! (Must be all that practice asserting herself at work.) But instead of feeling triumphant, Hannah bursts into tears. As you do.
Whew! Great Bea Arthur’s GHOST; all these plot twists, reversals and mind games are exhausting. Charlie, I feel your pain.